I don't feel like I have been a good Mom lately. I have gone through the motions and done what has needed to be done. The kids are washed, clothed, fed and have gotten to school with all of their necessary papers filled out and checked over. I just feel like my heart has not been in it.
I am on edge. I am quick to yell. I am easily irritated by the noise and the too loud voices. I hate to be this way with them because I know that they sense it and it just makes everything worse. I try to keep it pushed down but inevitably it will come out - magnified by the fact it was squashed down too long.
I am exhausted. I am tired of feeling like everything around here is one step forward and three steps back. I feel like I can't get a handle on anything. Cleaning, laundry, Evan's closet still has clothes for a two year old in it, switch the coats around, financial stuff to update on the computer, pictures to order, pictures to scrapbook - the "to do" list is never ending.
A lot of it is Hailey. She is approaching the terrible two's ready for action. She is always in to everything. She is constantly ON me. If I am not carrying her around, she is right under my feet. I can't count the number of times that I have almost fallen and landed on her because she is RIGHT THERE! What makes it even more frustrating is that she cannot communicate to me what she wants or what her problem at that moment is. She just whines and cries and then whines and cries harder when her needs are not met. She is extremely defiant lately and I know that she is most likely acting that way just to get my attention. Attention that she already has ninety eight percent of the day. I am on my last nerve with her - I just know she is going to get hurt with her jumping and climbing monkey act - I just don't know how to stop her. I don't remember the boys going through this "phase" or perhaps they did only I didn't let it bother me as much because there were not so many of them to deal with. I feel outnumbered and spread very thin.
Last night I told Trent that I was so tired but I didn't want to go to bed because then I would wake up and it would be morning and I would have to do it all over again. It was so nice to just sit with a grown up and watch TV and talk without having to be everything to everyone else.
Lord, beer me strength! (At least I still have my warped sense of humor!)
Big Boo Cast: Episode 386
5 days ago
3 comments:
Glad you will get away on your own for a little while this evening. Maybe you can escape for a little while this weekend, too - get a sitter!
I know what you mean, everyone has those days, but it doesn't mean that you are a bad mommy, or that you don't love your life. Mommying is a very hard demanding job. It requires all of your heart and soul, every minute of the day and there is never a day off. It is hard, but we love it and would have it no other way. Everyone is entitled to what THEY feel is a bad day, but it doesn't mean that it was a bad day for the kids. They are fine, and it wouldn't even be right if you lived the perfect, June Cleaver, life... as it is not REAL. This is real. I am glad that you have it posted to remember these times, and to be true to what motherhood is really like. You are a wonderful mommy!
You said it very well, Lesley. Thank you for letting J know she is truly a wondeful mother and I am very proud of the way she is bringing up my grandchildren.
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