Four years...

My Evan is four years old today.

Last night as I was tucking him into bed, I told him that the kisses and hugs I was giving him would be the last ones he would get being three years old - when he woke up in the morning he would be a four year old boy. As I was saying the words I had to try hard not to think too much or I knew I would be sitting at his bedside all night - as if I could stop time from making my baby grow up so quickly.

In May of 2003 I had a miscarriage. The pregnancy was a complete surprise to us. When I found out after numerous negative pee tests by blood work that I actually was pregnant, we were thrilled. Then a week later it was over. I was five weeks along. Barely pregnant - but still pregnant. All I could think about was how much I wanted another baby. Though my doctor said that miscarriages were common and completely normal, I had my doubts. Why was my first pregnancy so easy? Why did my body reject this baby? Will I ever be able to have another baby? I felt guilty because I knew I should be happy with the fact that I had one wonderful child in my life - some people would do anything for that. I felt guilty because I knew people that were going through much worse things in their lives than I was. Still, hearing news of people newly pregnant or seeing that tell tale bump, would make my heart sting with jealously.

I like to think that things happen for a reason. I like to think that there is a divine plan that orchestrates our lives to a certain extent. I know in some cases the reason is not evident. Sometimes God's plan is not for us to see. There are things that have happened in the lives of my family and I that make no sense. I have to believe that someday the reason will present itself but as of now it still feels very raw and very cruel. It is hard not to be angry and to find the faith to trust God. I guess that would be the very definition of faith.

In May of 2004, one year and three days later, I was shown the reason for our pain and disappointment. I knew the reason my pregnancy could not make it to term - that baby was not Evan. My heart is pounding in my chest as I write this because my life without Evan is unfathomable to me. He is supposed to be here with us and God knew it.

Having Evan in my life reminds me everyday to try to have faith. It may be his birthday, but he is our gift. Oddly enough, on Evan's second birthday I found out that I was pregnant with Hailey. He is our lucky charm.

Evy, you are so loved! Happy Birthday sweet Baby Evers!